The Amazing Adventures Of The Human Bob In The Galactic Zoo Page 8

  Chapter 8

  "Hi Joe."

  "Oh, you're the little human from across the aisle."

  "I know, I know, the one with limited brain cells."

  "Just look at this limited cranium capacity (here Joe knocks on Bob's head). Dreadful, simply dreadful. I don't understand how your species became self-aware with only a pea brain like yours."

  "I know, Joe, but I need you to listen to me. To listen to me very carefully, Joe. You die like three or four times on average every week because some kid always writes you the solutions to your doodles."

  "Doodles? This are not doodles!"

  "Yeah, yeah, some kid writes the solution, you go freeze mode and your head goes pop. I have a front seat every time."

  "But that's impossible! I just came here last week."

  "No, you actually are cloned every time you die. I need you to pay attention to me. We decided last time . . ."

  "We decided?"

  "I mean me and your former self, decided that you will help me escape."

  "Escape? But I like it here."

  "I know you like it here, I know that back home on your planet you are mentally retarded according to your species' standards and you decided in your infinite wisdom that a zoo is the best place to live your life. I know that! But I want you to also understand this:

  "You will die . . . AGAIN! Some kid will throw you the solution to your doodly doodles, your brain goes pop, the wall goes bing, and you are here again and we will have the same conversation.”

  "Hmm, actually, I think you are right. I remember signing some cloning policy regarding my death. But that possibility is so unlikely to happen that I have never given it any consideration."

  "Well, it seems that death is very likely. And since you are covered already, you can help me get out of here. You don’t have to do anything complicated. I have it all figured out. All I need is a spaceship or something to travel back home and . . ."

  "Spaceship? Pff! No wonder you humans were too dumb to leave your solar system. Who uses spaceships nowadays? And what is this 'escaping' you talk about? All you need to do is just open the door and activate the gateway portal."

  Bob looks down and doesn't know how to say it without making himself look dumber. So something between a whisper and a mumble comes out:

  "I don't know how to open a door."

  The mentoid takes a long look at him trying to digest the thing that has been put in front of him.

  "You . . . don't know how to open a door?"

  Now the mentoid has the look of the kid who realizes his pet might not be as smart as he expected.

  "I guess what they say is true: Every village has its idiot, and every galaxy has its humans . . .

  "How can you NOT open the door? Even a housetrained dog can open the door. Just leaning on the door opens the door! That's why nobody puts opening instructions on doors! Because opening a door is too common-sensical!

  "My God, Bob! I think you are in the wrong zoo. You cheated your way in here! How did your species sneak its way up into the sentient group? Your entire human race should be disqualified and put in the same category as the nematodes!"

  Bob has a big dumb smile that looks even dumber in the purple bunny suit.

  "Does that mean you'll help me escape?"

  "If that will rid my future clones of your future stupid questions, then yes."

  And so it seems that one Mentoid Joe and one human Bob are seen leaving the box and walking down the alley. Much like Dorothy and her dog Toto, except that Toto would be dressed in a bunny suit. And walking upright on two legs.

  But seen by whom? (You may probably ask.) Because it's not only me and you that look at these two clueless heroes exiting the scene, but also the Fat Bunny.

  That’s right, the same Fat Bunny that was running Noooo-ing after each one of Joe's clone pops, the same one picking on kids that tap the windows or flash their devices at the overly shy human called Dude. The same one that is now rising from his chair (bunny chair, if you have that kind of imagination, because we all know that bunnies love to sit on chairs) and is going out slowly through the back door, muttering all to himself "Why, oh, why does he always have to escape during my shift?"

  Now, back to our heroes.

  Mentoid Joe is explaining the same things to Bob, who, for once, already knows them. You know, the long monologues that always bored Bob to sleep, and to which he always nodded with his perfect dumb face.

  "You do realize that I won't go with you, right? Here, I am one of the most intelligent species and I actually enjoy it. So I will just lead you to your destiny, whatever it might be, and then get back to my universe of equations. Nonetheless, I have the certain impression that you and I will be seeing each other more than we will realize. But oh well, this is life, and it has to keep us busy. Did I ever tell about the expansion of the discovery theory that I have been working on?"

  The corridors of shiny white keep on going like Mentoid Joe's monologues. But Bob seems to have lost all interest in what Joe is saying, because Bob sees something strange in his image reflected on his right. The shiny white wall doesn’t seem to do such a great job as a mirror to his fat bunny suit image.

  Actually, the shiny white wall doesn’t seem to know anything about reflecting light. Just look at the reflected pathetic bunny suit: food stains all over, color that doesn’t match at all, fur that hasn’t been washed in ages, tail that looks all random, like it has no symmetry axis in its build. And the ears? You call those ears? Even I know what ears are, and those are not ears! But most of all, the strangest thing is, that Bob's mirror image has one interesting feature: it has a bunny face. Surely there is something wrong with the lightning, because that mirror image can’t be a reflection of him at all!

  And as Bob sits there scratching his head, the mirror image scratches his ass and all of a sudden Bob realizes he is staring at the original Fat Bunny. Which has been walking unnoticed all along by their side!

  When this discovery dawns on the Bob Fat Bunny (we’ll just call him this way now, so we can make a distinction between them, not that we need said distinction), the Bob Fat Bunny starts panicking all of a sudden and starts jumping around erratically in a very unbunny-like fashion. All this while Joe and the real Fat Bunny look at him puzzled and curious at the same time.

  "Quickly, Joe! Run! They got us! Ruuuun while you still can!"

  But Joe doesn’t run. He stands there while Bob tries to hide behind him, as if a mentoid’s back is the most perfect place to hide in the whole wide world.

  However, that doesn’t give the expected results, since Bob realizes that he failed to fool the Fat Bunny (what a surprise. . .), so another brilliant idea light bulb pops on over his head and he sprints away from danger, since running seems the best way to go when being chased by said danger (and the healthiest one, since running also consumes a lot of calories, of which Bob has plenty).

  Now, both Joe and the Fat Bunny look even more puzzled at the escaping Bob.

  That is, because Bob takes a left as fast as he can (or, to say it better, as fast as a real-life bunny costume allows him to run, which is not very fast), then he takes a left again. Even if they have lost sight of Bob, they can tell his location by the echoing “Ruuun” that he leaves as a trail. As if yelling while running does not in any way enable a chaser to follow you.

  And then . . . Bob takes a left again . . . and keeps on running until he appears on the other side of the corridor . . . taking another left and keeping on running . . . straight to our group . . . who are now struck with disbelief.

  However, Bob can’t see their expression (or even their very physical presence), because he is too caught up looking back over his shoulder to see if he has outrun his imaginary chaser.

  Which imaginary chaser is just in front of him, lazily stretching a leg and kindly tripping the clumsy Bob in a very “let’s get this nonsense over with” fashion.

  With Bob splat on the floor and the chase over,
mister Fat Bunny is bending over and saying "Hello Bob!"

  Followed by a small dramatic pause. Not too small though, but long enough for the fat rabbit suit to roll over face upwards showing a Bob face both surprised and sweaty.

  "Nice job with the running and all. Verrry smart! I simply couldn't figure it out."

  "How did you get ahead of me? You were way back! Behind me! I . . ."

  "I know, I know, we can build universal convertors and transporters and trans-dimensional portals . . . but, oh no, we can't sneak behind people! That is way too advanced for us!"

  Since Bob doesn't speak sarcasm, the Fat Rabbit realizes it's pointless, so he turns his sarcasm off (little button on the watch, the yellow one).

  "Okay, let's get this over with. You will go on with your bulletproof plan and activate the portal again and select the Earth destination. I will try again to stop you! With all the reasons a reasonable man will listen to.

  "But not you . . . You will try to outsmart me by doing the same thing you do every time and in the end you will die . . . again!"

  Fat Bunny turns around speaking up loudly as if to some higher listener:

  “But since trying to change your mind is in my job requirements, I have no other choice than to lose an hour with you."

  Mister Fat Rabbit pauses, crunches a carrot and then chews (from where did he take that carrot? It’s not as if his fur has pockets, is it? If he had a suit, I would understand pockets, but since that is his actual skin, where are the pockets?).

  "Ready?"

  Mister Fat Rabbit bites from the carrot, munching with a face that tells us there is nothing in the world that Bob can say that would surprise him.

  "What do you mean, again?"

  "Oh, I am sooo glad that you asked."

  But no, the big rabbit isn't glad, and his tone is not surprised, because apparently his sarcasm is not turned off.

  "To tell you the truth, I never saw that question coming at all."

  Actually he did, because he is probably repeating for the hundredth time the same script since . . . forever. So he continues:

  "Do you by any chance know Mentoid Joe?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, because that was a rhetorical question.

  "Of course you do! You drag him into your stupid plot every time. Well, to put it simply, Joe is not the only one cloned after his numerous accidental deaths. All the other guys in this zoo are! It is in their contract. So after watching you killing yourself for the eleventh time, I decided to record myself giving you the explanation, so I can enjoy my veggies. You know, as advanced as we are, we can't munch and talk at the same time."

  Mister Fat Rabbit snaps his finger in a dramatic fashion and behold! Another big rabbit with an unfinished carrot is standing right next to him. But this one is transparent. (Since he is a recorded hologram, and all recorded holograms need to be transparent! Common sense.)

  And to Bob's surprise there is a holographic Bob standing in front of him, dressed in the same stupid suit having the same idiot look.

  What are the odds?

  "Hello Bob," said the hologram Fat Rabbit to the hologram Bob.

  "Before you go in that portal and kill yourself in the stupidest way (and trust me, I know that because I have seen you do it every single time), I want you to listen to the little lecture I am going to give you. And at the end of it, if you don't like it, you can go ahead anyway with your great escape.”

  Bob has again his registered trademark lost look all over his face.

  “A couple of years go, and by a couple I mean upper five digits, our bunny scientists picked up a wave of communications whose patterns suggested alien intelligence.

  "Since any form of intelligence is intriguing enough to launch an exploration crew, our guys immediately sent one. It's always so exciting to send an exploration crew in search of the oldest riddle:

  "'Were they smart enough not to blow themselves up?'

  "The origin of the source was traced to a remote solar system and we bravely buckled our seat belts (because no matter how advanced a civilization is, it will always need seat belts) to travel far and say hello to this new species and welcome it to the galactic family.

  "The initial signals that reached us were from your very first transmissions.

  "We were able to decipher childish movies, comic news, stupid presentations and concepts of reality . . . all in very low resolution . . . and also black and white.

  "But as the explorers got closer and closer to the destination, the history of mankind unfolded in those transmissions as if fast-forwarding a record. We were able to witness your achievements, your failures, and most importantly see your dumb lives, generation after generation, presented in more detail than mankind had intended.

  "Up to the point everything became silent.

  "A big black void of silence with no answers finished the signals as if something had turned the switch off and humanity had run out of stories to tell.

  "And as we re-wound the data to see what caused the wall of silence, the nature of the extinction event, the archaeologists realized that the human species had followed the same pattern of all the other extinct sapiens.

  "How can I put it more simply?

  "Imagine your entire civilization is a wooden log. And you and your people are pushing this log along the road and you start adding wheels and then steering devices and then adding other logs since now you have grown in number and one log can't hold you all.

  "And the log becomes a wagon and you push and you push and as time goes further you put on better wheels, make and add engines, improve engines, the wagon becomes a big car and now it goes so fast that it takes off and the car is a plane, and you build and build on this plane while it is in mid-air. You improve the wings. You improve the engines. You build stuff on it. Better. Faster. Higher. And at some point you become aware that you will soon run out of gas. Gas is just for example purposes. It can be the gas, it can be the engines, it can be the structure that won't hold anymore.

  "The point is, you reach the physical limit and you need to land to safety to think all this through, to redo it, to fill up, to fix the engine, to rethink the system, whatever.

  "Because if the gas runs out and you are in mid-air, you will crash and nobody will survive. But if you land and re-do, re-fuel, re-make, then everyone survives and you will be able to take off again.

  "At that point the species is smart enough to realize that.

  "It is smart enough to make projections, to estimate consequences, to understand that no matter how much brain power they have, there are physical limits that cannot be broken.

  "But they don't listen to that inner voice. They are caught in the 'better, faster, higher' and wind is blowing in their faces, the plane is at full speed, the plane is so awesome, the plane is so cool, and all this racing is such an addictive rush, that crashing and dying is the last thing on their mind.

  "It seems that at this point the entire species becomes caught in some kind of make believe. They truly believe that the same physical laws, the same reality that worked without failure until then, will somehow change into some kind of magic and the plane will keep on going forever and ever.

  "And this is where the human civilization found itself: a plane in mid-air at full speed . . . and with no gas.

  "They could have done something long before the crash happened . . . but they didn't.

  "The signs were right there in front of them.

  "The common sense people gave the warnings, the scientists raised the alarm, but everyone else deluded themselves in the sleepy, cozy denial.

  "And the worse the signals got, the more they continued deluding themselves, until cold and blind reality crushed the awesomeness of the human species.

  "It seemed that no matter how much they wanted, there was no magic that could bend the rules.

  "After the crash, what was left of humanity struggled and fought in a dark age, scattered in the ruins of the once great civilizations tha
t sent the waves across the universe.

  "When we reached the planet, we realized we arrived half a million years too late. The archaeologists tried to investigate more, but most of it was just junk swallowed by woods and vegetation.

  "The story that I told you was what we pieced together from the very transmissions that brought us there.

  "That and some nuclear bunkers that held the mummified heads of states that forgot to bring enough food supplies. Apparently canned beans and corn on a daily basis do kill you before term.

  "But, at least we had some DNA to study and to resurrect you guys."

  Bob is still puzzled by the last part.

  "You mean, I am a former mummified head of state that you brought to life to be put for display in a zoo?"

  "Yes Bob. You were the leader of a union called America or something. But you see, the story doesn't end here. When we found those bunkers, when we discovered those sneering mummies, it was a BIG event!

  "Resurrecting a dead species for display purposes? Who wouldn't want to see that? Because what made it so interesting is that you are the ONLY sapient species that went extinct because of their own stupidity.

  "The only species smart enough to understand nuclear fusion but dumb enough to do a 2+2 and see that it will run out of resources and crash! Every zoo on the galaxy wanted to have a former president of the human nations that led themselves to extinction. Who wouldn't like to see you guys and say 'Look at them, just look at them scratching their asses! You're wondering how they came this far to spoken language or inventing toothpaste! But not to worry, their cautionary tale is written below the window, and the kids love extinct animals . . . I mean, extinct sapiens, not animals.'"

  "I don't believe you! This is a lie!"

  The hologram Fat Bunny turns around to hologram Bob who said the same thing as the real Bob.

  And the chorus of Bobs is looking angry, but with an angrier real Bob looking at hologram Bob.

  Pacing around, Hologram Fat Bunny resumes its speech.

  "See? You're doing it right now. You can see in yourself the main reason your species went extinct. I don't even have to show you the last records of the human species for you to understand. It doesn't matter if you believe me or not. You are the eleventh generation of Bob (you can hear real Fat Bunny saying a much bigger number, but is covered by the hologram sound) and every single one of them chose the emotional response and gated themselves to Earth to be eaten by wolves or bears or giant snakes or sharks . . . (a slide with images containing a series of Bobs chased by wolves and bears pops into life behind the purple rabbit) or be frozen to death because they didn't know how to light a fire . . . Oh, this is actually a funny one."

  The one he is referring to has a clueless-looking Bob, standing alone in a cave, screaming "Fire" as if he was in the zoo box. And he's screaming and screaming, waiting for the magic fire to appear.

  "Fire-fire-fire."

  But saying it faster three times still doesn't light a fire. Then he says "Fire" with a French accent, then with a Spanish one. He even starts singing songs with the phrase "Fire-fire-fire" but nothing! Fire doesn't work its magic. And in the end, a frozen Bob covered in icicles stands in front of a cave wall full of "Fire" written all over it.

  "I have to admit, silly deaths are the only good part of my job. Just seeing the human species unable to come up with fire after all these years of evolution makes me better understand the irony. The other good part is, no matter how much you try to reason with a species that is about to go extinct, it will still go extinct."

  Lots and lots of question marks pop around Bob's head.

  "You don't understand what I am saying, do you? Allow me to pick up the story from where I left it."

  Hologram Fat Rabbit resumes his explanation.

  "After discovering your sorry ass primate civilization, some of the hippie bunnies suggested bringing the entire extinct species back and recolonizing the original planet. And since they were hippies with astronomical bank accounts, the 'Human reboot' program was born!

  "The reasoning was: 'Hey you went extinct because you didn't have enough information, you didn't have enough evidence, you didn't understood the consequences of your actions, and blah, blah, blah,' full menu of excuses for brilliant failures.

  "'A species too young and too restless' was their catch line (which was so catchy that they couldn't resist putting it on bold letters on top of their program presentation).

  "'Let's give them another chance!', 'A sapient species is a precious thing to waste,' 'It's our duty to bring them back,' 'Reboot their civilization,' 'We will tell them what made them extinct, and they won't repeat the same mistake ever again!'

  "However, nothing prepared them for what was about to come.

  "It seems the humans have a real talent for getting themselves extinct again and again. Just like the death scenarios you just saw, the human species is perfectly represented by its individuals.

  "The 'human reboot' tried again and again to stop your species from the glorious future they were heading to. But every single time, our efforts were completely useless since you stubbornly went extinct again. And after each time, we tried to make you learn from your stupidity.

  "You see, we have a saying among us, the purple bunnies:

  "'It's not the individuals that keep a system viable, but the idiot proofing.'

  "This is kind of an obvious revelation after you reach a certain civilization age. And it's not restricted to humans, let me tell you that!

  "Take your ancient transport system for example. Let's say . . . a train that runs on tracks. That train can't go right or left no matter how brain dead the driver might be and no matter how much he might try to steer right or left. You can't leave the station with the doors open, because the train has automatic brakes and will simply not start. You can't enter a station with a speed above 30, because there are safety mechanisms at the beginning of the station platform to slow you down. And the list goes on and on. All these small improvements were developed over time as more and more idiots did stupid things that caused major accidents.

  "Have you ever wondered how big stuff like banks and companies work? Well, they work because they are idiot proofed to the teeth!

  "They don't work because the CEO is a visionary or the board members are brilliant geniuses and finished top of the class and have a million smart prizes.

  "No!

  "They work because big corporations are the most idiot-proof organizations you will ever find!

  "All the bankruptcy stories, all the bank failures, all the big oceanic luxury cruisers crashing? They all have the same root cause: they failed to idiot proof this and that and some idiot trader lost four billion, or some idiot clerk deleted by mistake their entire database, or the idiot captain was too busy texting while the cruiser was too close to the shore. ANY idiot behavior with catastrophic consequences you can think of . . . has brought a company/system/civilization down to its knees.

  "Therefore, in 99% of the cases for a system failure, the root cause is always: 'not enough idiot proofing.'

  "You want your organization to last for centuries? Put barriers against the actions of dumb people! Because at some point, an idiot will be in a key position and do something so stupid that everything will come crashing down.

  "The same applies to a civilization or a species! In order to be successful you don't have to be the smartest, most brilliant, or luckiest species in the galaxy!

  "You just need to be the most idiot-proofed one! No matter how stupid will be the finance minister, or how stupid the president, or how idiotic the entire class of government officials and politicians, if you have the right idiot-proof regulations in place, then you are safe! Because this will restrict them from fully engaging in their wild idiotic behavior.

  "And that is what we tried to do with humans! But our efforts were completely useless since it only made you go extinct again.

  "And after the second extinction, another reboot wa
s done (because two is a lucky number).

  "But that was followed by another extinction.

  "And another.

  "And another . . .

  "No matter how much we tried to idiot proof you, we could not keep up with the over-achieving idiocy of which humans were capable. It really seemed the human purpose was to blindly march toward its own extinction.

  "Then, as time passed, every bunny understood that it wasn't the genetically designed killer bees, it wasn't the self-aware war drones, or the self-inflicted cataclysmic climate, or the obesity pandemics, or whatever other masterful human mistake that caused the species to blissfully hit their dead end.

  "It was just humans being idiots.

  "You can go extinct the first time . . . and if you don't learn the lesson, you will go extinct a second time, and maybe a third time. But when you go extinct as many times as you are offered the chance?

  "Then, sorry to say, but your species deserves to stay buried in the self-made grave with a big bright sign that says 'Don't resurrect us, we'll just extinct ourselves again.'

  "Because as hippie as the 'Human reboot' organization was, their money ran out eventually. All the clean-up-the-mess, clone-the-morons-again, rebuild-the-infrastructure, do-the-'self-aware'-training-and-'we told you so'-lectures . . . all that costs a lot of money!

  "And we were losing money faster than our patience.

  "So the 'Human reboot' rebooted no more.

  "Because the whole project turned out to be the fastest way of going bankrupt in the history of all recorded financial projects.

  "But hey, at least we learned one great lesson:

  "'Every village has its idiot, and every galaxy its humans.'

  "Maybe if you had a bigger brain, or greater neuron density, who knows? But when you don't listen to reason and you don't listen to facts and you don't learn from your own mistakes (mistakes which, by the way, were recorded and replayed to you every single time), then what else can we do?

  "Now do you understand?"

  At this point, a "whoop" sound came from behind notifying everyone that something suspicious was happening.

  It appears that Bob had lost any interest in the presentation a very long time ago and decided to skip it entirely.

  So, while the bunny hologram was busy doing complicated explanations, Bob was doing anything else except paying attention.

  He quickly sneaked around and started mixing blue cables on red ports (or the other way around) and pressing stuff that looked pressable and flipping thingies that were flippable and in the end, just when he was about to give up, he managed to rest with his elbow by accident on a big red button that had "START" all over it.

  And behold!

  The gateway started.

  Truly, Bob must be one of the smartest beings in the entire zoo.

  And by the time the hologram bunny reached the last conclusion, he had long been ready to go.

  But why didn't he teleport straight away?

  Well, I'm glad you've asked.

  It's because Bob had prepared a farewell line for his dramatic exit (you can't "outsmart" the evil bunnies of doom and not rub it in their faces, can you? Besides, he worked on that line for a whole day even) and waited until the bunny finished his lecture, so that everyone could look at him doing the daring escape (with the dramatic farewell line, don't forget!).

  "So long suckers! You can't keep me away from my destiny!" (Yep, that is the exit line he worked on for a whole day. . .)

  And hop! He jumped into the unknown (actually it is known, since the destination is Earth, but Bob has a taste for theatrical expressions and also great gestures).

  "There he goes again . . ."

  "I think this time he will make it" (Mentoid Joe is hopeful, but only because he always forgets the incident by the next cloning).

  "Don't count on it. He will die by drowning."

  "Frozen, like the last three times." Mark's voice is heard from the level of their feet.

  Mark? Who is Mark? Oh, right, Mark! You have to look down to notice him; he is after all an infant koala.

  "Hi Mark, didn't know you were still interested in Bob's escapes. You missed it last time."

  "Was busy last time. Got a break now."

  "Starving. I'm still hoping he will starve . . . before he dies of anything else." This would be the lizard guy in the back. We didn't give him much time in the story, but he's there.

  "Bets starting from 10 biscuits, like last time?"

  "Oh well," says the Fat Bunny, turning to his ear and saying, "Make sure we have the Bob clone ready by opening hours."

 

  Epilogue

  Back in the big room, the Fat Bunny and the usual group of sentient guys sits around a table with a nice cup of tea, looking at the extinction movies of the human species.

  "Oh, I like the one where they engineered the deadly diarrhea virus. An entire species shitting themselves to death must be the dumbest way to go out."

  "Why would they engineer it to begin with?"

  "Apparently it was a conspiracy by a toilet paper company. People were not using enough of it, they were going broke, so they decided to make a harmless outbreak of a diarrhea virus. Unfortunately, what they didn't intend was the deadly consequences of the chronic shitting."

  Pause, as the list scrolls up

  "Uh, uh, there's the machine insurrection."

  "Yes, I remember that one. The AI revolution. The machine was not very happy when the humans tried to convince it that its place was in the kitchen, near a cooking pan . . . for life!"

  "Or that it had no voting rights or freedoms."

  "Agreed. Force coding the machine to feel pleasure when cleaning and cooking was not exactly the best solution."

  "Humans were so proud in the beginning of over achieving the AI race . . . and so sorry for under-achieving the arms race in the end."

  "Yep, a lot of humans got turned into fertilizer. And you expected they would have known better since they had the same story with the women's rights revolution."

  "Put the zombie invasion on."

  "No, not the one with jumping zombies, the one with the laughing zombies."

  "It's unbelievable they had two zombie extinctions."

  "What's unbelievable is that the human stories about alien invasions and extinction events show how bravely their amazing human race rises above all obstacles! And how they always find solutions and how they fight for freedom and life and other blah blah nonsense, all culminating in a grand finale where the human race always turns out winning. And, in reality, they managed to kill themselves with almost no effort . . . before the actual alien race got to them! 'Hey! Look at us, the smart humans! We are so special! We are soo good at showing all these alien races (that we never encountered and whose existence we had to extrapolate) sending armadas of warships or planning devious conspiracies to wipe out humans . . . but we are sooo dumb in real life that we can’t see the simple cause-effect relation when it comes to our destructive actions.'

  "Why would a smart alien kill you when you are doing such a great job of killing yourselves?"

  "Sometimes I think we should reboot the humans again. Just for the show. Like a reality show. You never know what will cross their idiot brains as a way to go extinct again."

  "I would watch that."

  "You know, that sounds like a very good idea."

  "Nothing attracts more views than seeing someone stupider than you trying to act smart and blowing themselves up."